A basic primer in the emotional cycle of deployment

Deployment is a fact of life for military spouses and families.

Did you know we can experience a “cycle of emotions” during the deployment cycle of workups, deployment and return and reunion? Many seasoned military spouses are familiar with something called the “emotional cycle of deployment.”

First identified by Navy spouse Kathleen Vestal-Logan, the emotional cycle of deployment identifies seven emotional stages we experience during the pre-deployment, deployment and post-deployment periods. When I first learned about this “cycle,” I realized I’m not alone and not going crazy!

This column will look at the two stages of this cycle that take place in the “pre-deployment” phase of deployment readiness and tips for successful navigation through them.

Before we begin, it is interesting to note that whether you are on a “boomer” experiencing a “shorter” cruise, a surface fleet or IA deployment or even TAD orders for school, this phenomenon affects us all to some degree.

Stage one, Anticipation of Loss, can start as early as six weeks prior to deployment. We can be moody or depressed, even irritable. We may bicker with our Sailor, and there can begin an emotional distance as we start to prepare for separation. During this time it is natural to wonder how you will get through deployment alone. It is natural to worry about the safety of your Sailor. It is natural to wonder if you can face the unknown without your partner.

Men and women experience this phase differently. As women ponder the upcoming separation, we tend to want to spend more time with our husbands. We want to make memories and in essence “fill up our love tanks” during this time.

Men on the other hand begin to withdraw. For Sailors, the weeks prior to leaving are filled with moving aboard and long hours of readiness preparations. One Sailor, my husband, said, “It is easier to pull away in the early on so it doesn’t hurt so deeply on the day we leave.”

Take time during these two stages to connect with the family support group. Look for those relationships that will be a support to you during deployment. Take steps to build those relationships if they are not in place. Contact your Fleet and Family Support Center or ombudsman for any suggestions and information on available groups. Make sure you know who your ombudsman is and get on her e-mail tree and newsletter list.

Keep talking to your spouse. Talk about decisions you may face in their absence. These questions can include things from where to get the car repaired to spending plans to emergency plans. Having these conversations can help you feel more prepared to handle their absence, especially if this is your first deployment.

Stage two, Detachment and Withdrawal, usually takes place in the last week before deployment. Spouses sometimes experience fatigue. Sailors are busy moving aboard, often spending longer hours on the ship, and begin to emotionally separate during this week. This can be hard on us as we want to “hold on” to every moment we have left with our Sailor.

This stage may be characterized by ambivalence toward intimacy. On the one hand we realize that this is our last chance for physical intimacy for some time and we don’t want to lose that opportunity. But because we’ve also begun to separate emotionally it can be difficult to want to open up that connection with our spouse. Again, these are normal feelings.

The cycle of deployment will be a bit different for each individual, but understanding and recognizing the stages empowers us as spouses to recognize and respond to these stages in our lives.

— Do you have a question or comment for Beth? Please contact her at beth@homefrontinfocus.com.